‘I Never Learn’ Reviewed: It’s Lykke Li’s Party, and She’ll Cry If She Wants To

lykke-li-reveals-i-never-learn-album-artwork

Welcome back, Lykke Li. A personal favourite of this writer, there was much squee-ing when Li began releasing tracks in preparation for her third studio album. ‘Love Me Like I’m Not Made of Stone’ and ‘No Rest for the Wicked’ became instant favourites, due to their catchy doom and gloom melodies. It was nice to see that Li had resisted the current trend of everyone releasing club hits (though I’m not sure how she would even go about that) and kept to her trademark simplistic musical backdrops. There’s still the bombastic-ness of her sophomore effort Wounded Rhymes, but its quieter, more subdued. Li has had a hell of a time since we last saw her, and we’re going to hear all about it.

 

There’s a bittersweet and tragic air that hangs over the album like the black veils Li found for her atmospheric album cover; imagine a whole album in the same vein as Wounded Rhymes’ ‘Sadness is a Blessing’, and you have I Never Learn. It’s maudlin, its miserable, but the most part of its pretty damn good. The title track starts quite quietly, but brings in strings to great effect and builds to a very hummable climax. There’s a temptation for singer-songwriters to let their voices get all the best riffs, but on ‘I Never Learn’ its the strings that really shine. There’s something delightfully retro about the best songs – from the 70’s feel of ‘I Never Learn’ to the so-90’s-power-ballad-that-it-comes-out-the-other-side-and-is-quite-alright of ‘Never Gonna Love Again’.

 

I Never Learn serves quite well as a less scenery chewing sister to Wounded Rhymes, or as an alternative soundtrack to Let the Right One In. With as much misery as there is on offer, it does wilt in places, and the relentless sorrow becomes a little dull at times, no matter how often choirs are thrown at the proceedings to give it a little extra wham. It’s to the album’s credit that it holds it together as much as it does – even though it feels like the album trails off rather than ends, most of it works. This much wallowing should not be this much fun, but it is.

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Veronica Mars: The Bitch is Back

'A long time ago, we used to be friends...'

‘A long time ago, we used to be friends…’

It’s a perfectly good Saturday night and I could be anywhere (in any of my local old man pubs or studying at home) but I’m in a cinema in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of strangers watching the Veronica Mars movie. Veronica Mars, for those of you not up to date with your 2004 American teen noir, is a teenage detective living in the corrupt town of Neptune and played by Kristen Bell. She’s less Nancy Drew and more Nancy Screw-you (because you don’t mess with the Mars) and she’s back after nearly a decade of silence, thanks to the life-giving powers of Kickstarter.

I’m not sure how much there is in the film for casual viewers, but for fans of the show and noir, there is a lot to enjoy here. The film suffers from a slight lack of pacing, and probably one too many cameos and injokes (did James Franco need to be there? That is the question you ask yourself) but it delivers jumps, laughs and one liners to an engaging degree. So, to all involved in the film- well done! You didn’t waste all that Kickstarter money on a private yacht party. In fact, the lack of faux-gritty handheld camera shots attests to a significant part of the budget being spent on tripods, which I heartily commend.

But because I’m churlish and a general party pooper, I have three questions to ask of the movie.

***WARNING: Though I’ve tried to not give too much away, the following does contain some mild spoilers***

1. Is being true to the fans and being true to the story and characters the same thing?

Brooding, steamy glances are present and accounted for.

Brooding, steamy glances are present and accounted for.

While Kickstarter campaigns for films are not a new thing, Veronica Mars was certainly the most high profile, having broken several records with the campaign. Warner Brothers were not exactly bending over to finance a cancelled teen show from yesteryear, but the fandom came through. Sourpusses like me were concerned that because of this the film, in trying to please the fans who had paid for it, would become little more than Logan and Veronica fanfiction. Just some backstory here: Peeps hate Piz, Veronica’s boyfriend at the start of the movie, because he’s just so nice and loving and generally not getting accused of murder. Logan on the other hand is the series’ Heathcliff; he’s broody, he’s full of passion and wild love, and oh yeah, he’s psychotic, violent, and keeps winding up with a dead ex-girlfriend. What a catch!

However, despite my misgivings, the film actually did a decent job of treading the tightrope between wanting to deliver the best film possible to the fans who had paid for it, and pandering. It gave the fans (and let’s be honest, who else is going to be watching the film?) exactly what they wanted; with a side helping of doom, gloom and ‘things will probably go downhill from here’. It’s a pretty sweet ride, with undertones of tragedy. I concede that the fans knew what they were doing: Fans 1 : Sourpusses 0.

2. Can a film ever really capture all of the magic of a good TV series?

Veronica Mars: the only franchise where a woman lurking in a corner with a camera makes me feel nostalgic.

Veronica Mars: the only franchise where a woman lurking in a corner with a camera makes me feel nostalgic.

Making a film of a TV series is not a task for the faint hearted. In one medium you will have had seasons and years of character development and storylines, with time to build it all up convincingly, while in the other medium you are necessarily condensing it all into something easy to digest in under two hours. I was worried that Veronica’s contradictory, flawed and oh so badass character was going to get shrinkwrapped into little more than a caricature- but she survived largely intact. If there was one thing they had to jettison to streamline the story it was all of her random acts of kindness. Casual viewers will probably be left more afraid than enamoured with Veronica, but you can’t help but for feel for the girl when Madison Sinclair is a Mega Bitch at the reunion.

The film couldn’t provide all of the complexities and characterisation of the TV series (there is just not enough time to do that), however, it did top the TV series in one very important facet- with the removal of the white knight figure. Veronica’s one tough cookie, but eventually (and almost always in the series finale) she’ll end up alone with a psychopath and needing rescuing from either Logan or her dad, and it hasn’t always sat right with me. Guess who rescues Veronica from her inevitable brush with a psychopath in the movie? Veronica. Boom. Sisters be doing it for themselves!

3. How much Veronica is too much Veronica?

Will we be seeing all these lovely peeps together again soon?

Will we be seeing all these lovely peeps together again soon?

So- is this the end of the line for Veronica or is a Kickstarter campaign for a sequel hovering in the wings? The story was left deliberately open ended to allow for such an event. Do we need another film? Did we need this one? One of the reasons I wouldn’t want a sequel is because every Veronica vehicle tends to end in the calm before the shitstorm- the girl can solve crimes, but only by booking herself and her friends and family first class tickets on a trainwreck. Veronica spent so much of the series trying to get out of her hellhole of a town and getting over her feelings for Logan- if she goes back to it all it is just not going to end well. I love the character so much that I’m not sure I can sit and watch her torture herself over endless sequels.

Who am I kidding? Of course I can. Like any addict, if there’s Meth going, I want some. Whether it should be on offer is another question.

In conclusion, its not often that Veronica Mars makes me less cynical, but this film did a good job of, if not silencing my inner critic, at least stuffing my inner fan with so many marshmallows that it was a worthwhile trip back to Neptune. Now, where’s the Meth at?

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Holy Comics, Batman, The ‘First Contact’ Crossover is Here!

It’s no secret that one of my favourite books of the New 52 is Worlds’ Finest, aka Huntress/Power Girl. Why? Well, a) because it is probably impossible for Huntress not to be completely badass, and b) because Paul Levitz’s incarnation of Power Girl is just the best. Just to recap, Power Girl is Super Girl from another dimension, but all sass and no whine. Also Super Girl is very much a girl, whilst Power Girl is a woman. I can say all of this with a straight face because I’m very dedicated.

First Contact is here!

First Contact is here!

Anyway, ever since I started reading Worlds’ Finest, I always knew that the moment I was waiting for was to be when Power Girl and Huntress, fugitives from another dimension, run into the Batman and Superman of this world. And it was dangled tantalisingly issue after issue, until the gods at DC Comics decreed that the four should meet. First Contact, the name of the Worlds’ Finest and Batman/Superman crossover, is not just a money making ploy to get fans to buy double the amount of books but also the comic event of my year. Yes, I know I thought I’d already had that when Power Girl turned up in Suicide Squad, but that became a rather soggy damp squib very quickly.

First Contact kicks off properly in Batman/Superman 8, and it immediately turned out to be the best use I’d made of £2.60 in a very long time. In case you don’t know (and why would you?) Power Girl’s powers have been fluctuating recently, going from oops-I-could-probably-detonate-the-earth-with-this-bad-boy to nada every couple of minutes. I hadn’t really cared too much, but from the beginning of Greg Pak’s wonderful script I was all like ‘ohhhhh, this is like serious’. Superman’s attempts to help his wayward cousin were unexpectedly moving, the storyline as a whole was riveting, funny and clever, and the whole book was enhanced by Jae Lee’s to die for artwork. Page after page unfolded images that were poignant, creepy, and just damn cool. Pak’s script was probably not perfect (though it was quite near), but with artwork as wonderful as Lee’s it didn’t matter.

Lee's gorgeous artwork from Batman/Superman 8

Lee’s gorgeous artwork from Batman/Superman 8

Now, this is a crossover, I thought. And not just any crossover, but the sort of thoughtful, brilliant crossover that Huntress and Power Girl deserve and that will bring a whole new part of DC’s readership into first contact (sorry, couldn’t resist) with the wonderful things Paul Levitz is doing.

And then I turned to the second half over on my home turf of Worlds’ Finest 20. Opening the first page, I begin to feel the creeping sense of horror and dread that you get when you somehow get invited by Manchester United to watch them play, and then they come over to the shitty mudhole that is your local patch of grass to watch you and your four friends piss about with an inflatable football.

Meanwhile, over at Worlds' Finest, Power Girl was doing her best Karen from Mean Girls face.

Meanwhile, over at Worlds’ Finest, Power Girl was doing her best Karen from Mean Girls face.

Worlds’ Finest’s forte isn’t its artwork, ok? Though Levitz has remained at the helm, a dizzying array of artists with fluctuating talents have come and gone on the book, each with different ideas of how it should look, and at the moment we have R. B. Silva. And while the disappointing art is a mild nuisance most of the time, after our away match with Batman/Superman, it became soul crushingingly bad.

The problem is a lot of DC books have middling to bad artwork, apart from its darlings, like Flash, Green Arrow, Batman/Superman, Wonder Woman etc., and I don’t grudge those books their daring, gorgeous looks. But the fact remains that poor artwork can drag down a good script. It can drag it kicking and screaming down to hell. I accept that not every book can have the Michelangelo of comics working on it, but I would be quietened with some doodles that just looked professional.

The First Contact crossover was an opportunity for Batman/Superman readers to get a glimpse into what the Worlds’ Finest gang are up to, and vice versa, and I assume the main goal was for some of the fans to continue reading both books long after the crossover had ended. Well, we at Worlds’ Finest got caught with our pants down. Not only was our artwork just not up to scratch, but we got the part of the story that was just a little silly and dubious. There were still nice touches, such as Huntress and Power Girl’s growing disillusion with Batman, but the script couldn’t quite make up the gap in quality left by the pictures and I don’t expect many repeat visitors from Batman/Superman.

Oh, Worlds' Finest...

Oh, Worlds’ Finest…

First Contact is a hit and miss crossover, but definitely more hit than miss. Unfortunately, most of the hits are in Batman/Superman, and it was with a great sense of relief that I read that the conclusion to the storyline would be held in that book. I’m really looking forward to it. It’ll be like a little holiday.

 

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The Lego Movie: Not Just Another Brick in the Wall of CGI Films

The Lego Movie, I confess, kinda snuck up on me.

I’d been mildly interested in it for a while, as the film marks the first cinematic appearance of Wonder Woman, like ever. Seriously. Don’t think too much about how the inaugural appearance on the big screen of the most famous and arguably the most beloved female superhero is a cameo in a film about bricks.

Still a better Wonder Woman incarnation than Man of Steel 2.

Still a better Wonder Woman incarnation than Man of Steel 2.

 

The film didn’t sound particularly promising on paper, but I decided to give it go. It was Valentine’s Day after all, and nothing says ‘I love you’ like Lego.

The Lego Movie centres on main character Emmett, a fairly ordinary little dude, just another smiley face in the contented crowd of the City. However, a chance encounter with Wild Style, a Master Builder (those who can manipulate Lego without the instructions), leads Emmett to a bizarre looking piece of equipment which is all that stands between the evil Lord Business and World Domination. But is Emmett the Special, the one Brick to lead us all, or is he just as ordinary as he seems on the surface?

The Lego Movie has a lot of stuff going for it- it’s comprised of not just good, but great ideas, that slot together to create a series of interesting worlds and scenarios. On the surface, it has some of the most innovative CGI of recent years. By embracing the limitations of Lego, the animators have created challenges that were not only fun for them to solve, but are also fun for us, as an audience, to watch their solutions. The sea set piece is amazing, and a lot of the goofy creations the Master Builders create are marvellous to look at.

The Lego Movie: silly fun, but fun all the same.

The Lego Movie: silly fun, but fun all the same.

 

In terms of storytelling, the film has not just one, but two very intriguing worlds which are deeply twisted, but oh so watchable. There are a number of points (and one quite early on) where the storytelling dips and the film becomes a little boring, but it’s definitely one to stick with- there is a love triangle that is so engaging and fresh that it puts Twilight and The Hunger Games to shame. I don’t think we’re going to see Team Emmett t-shirts any time soon, but the romance aspect of the film adds a lot of comedy and is definitely one of its highlights.

Emotionally, the film also works- it’s hard to watch a film about toys without the ghost of Toy Story hanging over the proceedings, but The Lego Movie really adds something to the idea that adults, teenagers and children will be able to take something away from.

This is a zippy, zany film with annoyingly catchy music, a decent female lead (in fact, it seems to thrive off developing characters which are normally one dimensional, like the love interest and the villain), a big heart, and the stupidest (but most fun) sound effects ever committed to film. It’s like being stuck in a child’s head for an hour and forty minutes, but yes, unfortunately it does sometimes feel very much like you’re trapped.

The Lego Movie is often delightful, and the makers should be very proud of what they’ve achieved with it, but it does feel like watching someone else play the most awesome game of Lego ever, and it never quite manages to engage you entirely as an audience- there is something slightly passive about the whole experience. There’s only so much you can take before you want to get in on the action- and I guess Lego’s hoping that desire will lead you straight to their stores. Touché, Lego. Touché.

 

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The Lord of the Lies: House of Lies Returns

If you’re wondering why I’ve locked my doors, drawn my curtains and settled myself down in a bunker filled with food, it’s because House of Lies is back (I never said my motive would be reasonable).

House of Lies is back and shipping Marty and Jeannie more than ever. Seriously, how cute would their in-show babies be?

House of Lies is back and shipping Marty and Jeannie more than ever. Seriously, how cute would their in-show babies be?

Now in its third season, the series centres around the antics of Marty Kaan (played by Don Cheadle), unscrupulous management consultant doubling as Hugh Heffner, and his ‘pod’, consisting of hot shot Jeannie (Kristen Bell), clueless Doug (Josh Lawson), and wannabe sleaze Clyde (Ben Schwartz), who go about conning horrible rich people out of horrible amounts of money, and then proceed to go on a bender until their next flight out.

Of course, a show doesn’t get to three seasons without a ‘will they won’t they’, and with House of Lies it is all about Team Jeannie and Marty- to the extent that when Marty spurred Jeannie at the end of season 2 and they didn’t get together it ruined my day.

But its a new season now, and it seems like season 3 is going to be the best yet- so far we’ve had none of the frantic cramming of season 1 episodes, and none of the bland filler of season 2. The episodes are pacing themselves with confidence and the season is setting itself up to be a cracker.

I could pretend that my love of House of Lies has something to do with its dark humour, great characterisation and vicious look at corporation politics.

Marty and his pod work hard, and they're gonna play hard, dammit!

Marty and his pod work hard, and they’re gonna play hard, dammit!

But I don’t.

And I don’t enjoy it for its supposed realism either.

The reason I love House of Lies is because, somewhere in its sexy and yet slightly trashy portrayal of boardroom and bedroom antics, it seems to have lost whatever grip on reality it may have had and created a world that is supposed to contemporary and luxurious, but that actually teeters on dystopian. This is a show that has gone beyond entertainment, shot past mild escapism, and currently orbits around me in the stratosphere of pure fantasy. House of Lies is often as grounded in reality as Game of Thrones and I love it for it.

People don’t act like this! I sometimes sniff as Marty and his ex-wife Monica (an amazing Dawn Olivieri) have yet another tryst in yet another random setting, but I get the same enjoyment from watching these bastards scam each other as I do watching elves fight dragons. Sure, the show’s characters are horrendously nasty at times, but then, so is Sauron! Even the scenes of the consultants travelling through customs with their itty-bitty suitcases begin to take on the same epic connotations of Finn and Jake setting out on a quest with a sword made of demon’s blood. House of Lies makes me want to buy a suit and go out and consult people in the same way Labyrinth made me wish David Bowie would steal my sister so I could sing with goblins. It’s never gonna happen, but it’d be nice if it did.

One Management Consultant to rule them all...

One Management Consultant to rule them all…

As hippies once read The Lord of the Rings with wide eyed amazement and changed their names to that of their favourite hobbit, so am I shocked, awed and undeniably entertained by the antics of Marty and his associates. Move over Game of Thrones, I’ve found my fantasy of choice!

Is it the best show on the box? Nope, but it’s a lot of fun.

Anyway, I’m off to change my name to Olivia Jeannie Van der Hooven.

Only joking, that would be a shit name.

 

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VFM’s Top Singles of 2013

Alright, so there were more than a couple of duds that stank up the charts in 2013. However, as we wait for the results of BBC’s Sound of 2014 Poll, our VFM writers cast their minds back over the Year of Miley and reminded themselves of the great songs that kept them sane…

***WARNING: CONTAINS ONLY AWESOME SONGS***

CHVRCHES- GUN

What a year it’s been for girls in the music industry. Scottish gal Lauren Mayberry and her band of merry men formed the band Chrvches a few years ago and last year they made my summer with their single “Gun” from their debut album, The Bones of What You Believe. I’ve already gushed about these guys to my friends, family and online family (including my lovely VFM relatives) but what’s once more right?

The reason “Gun” rocked my world this year was a collection of things. Firstly, there is the totally synthetic beat, which is so stark and electronic and yet feels deeply connected to nature. Also, let’s mention the fabulously sassy lyrics that tells tales of girls threatening their bad men with tubular weaponry as they run away from the scene. Who doesn’t like a pissed off Scot with a pistol? In a world of ten-a-penny electropop bands Chvrches stand out as one of the most exciting because they are both accessible and fantastic, appealing to the masses and self-appointed prestige music critics alike. “Gun” represents their sound perfectly: raw, obtainable and just so wonderful!
JamesTaylorrr

LITTLE GREEN CARS- SPIDER LEGS

An Irish mix of singer/songwriter and folk has finally pushed the Dublin scene’s image away from the bland banquet of The Script. Harper Lee, their second release has something for everyone. It is well worth sitting down and listing to this CD all the way through, as it seems to be one of the few indie releases these days that have paid good attention to song ordering.

The title track takes you by the hand with well crafted vocal hooks to set you completely in the mood for the next 15 minutes. You are introduced to their American gothic lyrical styles, it’s very easy to find yourself quoting lines from all of these songs! However it’s the last two tracks “Red (Demo)” and “Spider Legs” that really make this band stand out. “Red” is a beautiful a capella with strong ties to Americana folk. They truly show off their harmonizing here, allowing you to be haunted by these cold lyrics. “Spider Legs” makes you truly question whether you are listening to a guitar based band at all. Melodies that leave you with goose bumps, textures so delicate that make you feel that if you were to pause the track, it would shatter like glass. That’s why “Spider Legs” is my track of the year.
MattLightbound

NYPC- THINGS LIKE YOU

While I had some problems with their album, I do feel that in this, the third single off NYPC, the duo well and truly knocked it out of the ballpark.

With its stuttering riff and typical shouty vocals from Tahita Bulmer, this is a song that takes a while to announce itself. Instead it stands in your living room, and slowly inspects everything you own before turning your world on its head by shedding its dark cloak to reveal party clothes and shouting ‘SURPISE DUET!’ And yes, Morgan Quaintance’s added vocals on the irresistible chorus raise this from just a very good song to one of the best pop songs released this year. It plants trumpeting synths, churning guitars, and vocals and watches calmly as they come together and pay off, creating a dark pop anthem that hurtles with purpose towards the ‘replay’ button. NYPC were always good at creating music that sweeps you up and surrounds you, but this is beautiful.

“Things Like You” is a slice of musical perfection that commands you to dance and sing along, and you would be incredibly churlish if you declined its invitation.
LassoMagicaRescarte

DEAP VALLEY- BAD FOR MY BODY

Okay, so it hasn’t officially been released as a ‘single’, but coming from an album that’s had accolades thrown at it this past year, I think you’ll forgive me.

From the very first ring of that crisp distortion, I knew there was something special about these two girls from California. Intent on catching our attention at the biggest festivals this year, they’ve got the U.K sitting up and listening! Indeed, the duo has fast become one of my favourite bands and, judging by the time their debut album has lived inside my car’s stereo system, my favourite album of the year. So, why this song in particular?

The answer? Because it’s simple. Because it’s clever. Because it’s empowering. With its sharp, stabby verses, catchy refrains and explosive energy, this is a song for some good ol’ foot-stomping, air-punching, hairbrush-singing, head-banging female rebellion. And god knows we’re due for some Rock’n’Roll freedom. Lindsey Troy’s rough vocals are emotion-packed and her carefree attitude and lyrics something to aspire to. As is the duo’s stage presence and playing. Their song lyrics are blunt, bold, and (in this case) dare to criticise the hypocrisy of older generations. They sing about not being made ashamed by others for being young, for being a bit reckless; something I feel is more resonant in recent society than ever before.

There’s something raw about their music, an authenticity that’s been lost along the way. There’s a dash of Rock’n’Roll rebellion, a spoonful of classic rock ethos, and a whole heap of sticking it to the man; this is a song that (hopefully) marks a new era for girls with guitars and drumsticks everywhere. This is a band for the modern day feminist.

Check out Deap Vally’s debut album, Sistrionix!
Alicia Ballard

FOALS- BAD HABIT

“Bad Habit”, a single off Foals’ third studio album, Holy Fire, is one of those tracks that you can keep playing again and again, yet it still feels fresh as the first time. Holy Fire as an album was a tremendous follow-up to their critically acclaimed predecessor Total Life Forever, and even though the album holds some great tracks such as “My Number” and “Inhaler”, I have to go with Bad Habit being my song of the year. I think it’s hard to describe music without sounding a little pretentious—so bear with me on this—but it’s just a song that stays with you. Yougetme? It’s a track filled with poignant lyrics, but because it’s quite upbeat you miss that the first time round. And that’s what I like in my music! Layers. Like an onion. “Bad Habit” was the perfect soundtrack to my own memories of 2013, and if you’ve not checked it out—do so.
CatSmith92

CARO EMERALD- LIQUID LUNCH

My favorite single of 2013 has to be “Liquid Lunch” by Dutch performer Caro Emerald. The song was released on 21 May 2013 as the second single from her second studio album The Shocking Miss Emerald. Caro Emerald’s music has been described as a fusion of Jazz and pop and that is clearly shown in “Liquid Lunch”. It’s Jazzy, upbeat, beautifully sung and is such a fun song. Liquid Lunch is a tongue in cheek song from one sassy gal. What makes “Liquid Lunch” different from other contemporary pop music songs is that not only does it have a mix of jazz but it also breaks away with the running theme of singing about going to the club, instead focusing on a more realistic and relatable aspect of what happens when we have a little too much fun on a night out. It is a song aimed for anyone who has gone out with a group of friends (maybe just to get something to eat) and woken up the next day with a banging head ache and an empty wallet. It is the ultimate hangover song.
KerrySlater

So there you have it! What were your favourite tunes of 2013? Leave us a comment below!

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9 Things I Learned From Masters of Sex

Hardly conventional Christmas fare, but I love it.

Hardly conventional Christmas fare, but I love it.

Well, the first series of Masters of Sex has come to a close this week, leaving me mournful and sullen. What on earth will I do this Christmas without weekly updates from William Masters and Virginia Johnson, my favourite sex researchers? But this show wasn’t just about boobs and butts. There was a lot of important information that I learned throughout the series- and here it all is. Warning: contains mild spoilers.

1. Masters is a douche.
Seriously, I know they’ve spiced things up to make the series more interesting, but the way the character is written, it feels like the main reason Masters went into gynaecology is because he likes hanging out with other twats. This is a man who lets his wife think that she’s infertile, when the reason she isn’t up the duff is because he’s shooting blanks. What a douche.

michaelsheen

2. Douches can be beautiful.
But then Masters helps that black lady have a baby, and the prostitute who thinks she’s dying of a brain tumour, and he is one of the nicest, kindest, most awesome human beings ever. And then the douchery comes back! What is this?? Damn you three dimensional characterisation!

3. Hospital canteens in the 50’s have the best food ever.
The real porn in this series is the food these docs are tucking into! In one scene Hoss complains that all he had to look forward to was a Welsh Rarebit for lunch from the canteen? ALL? These people eat like Gods!

4. Freud, you card!
Oh Freud, keeping women down with penis envy and labelling female masturabation as immature! What are we going to do with you? Let’s play this at him obnoxiously!

5. The tits to wang ratio on this show is ridickulous.
I understand that in a show about sex, nudity is necessary for the storytelling yadda yadda yadda but almost every major female character (in fact, make that most women with more than six lines) has had a nude scene so far in this show, and not a single bloke has had his dick out. Eventually it’s going to stop feeling necessary and important to the storytelling, and going to cross into leery.

lizziechaplain

6. Barry Bostwick is still a fox.
Nearly forty years after Bostwick played Brad Majors in The Rocky Horror Picture Show, he’s back as an elderly lothario who still has plenty of sugar to go around. Frank-n-furter would be so proud *sniff*.

Oh, Brad!!

Oh, Brad!!

7. 1950’s Housewives must have been bored out of their perfectly coiffured skulls.
Master’s wife Libby does nothing but plan parties, shop and watch the fifties equivalent of Strictly Come Dancing. It’s a miracle she hasn’t gone batshit crazy and burnt all of Master’s research, before splashing naked in a fountain and yelling ‘I’m a Kraken from the sea!!’ Masters won’t even let her wank for his amusement. THE WOMAN NEEDS A HOBBY, MAN!!!

All I want for Christmas is a sense of purpose!

All I want for Christmas is a sense of purpose!

8. The return of the good feminist versus bad feminist.
What is with today’s media? I know not every feminist can be good, but it feels like it is impossible for television and film to have a strong, feminist, beautiful woman with a sense of a family without then also adding a frigid alternative. Lillian DePaul has a lot of characterisation, and you can love her crusty soul, but yeesh! So she doesn’t wear makeup or want a man. She’s a gynaecologist with cancer in the 50’s. She has NO TIME for your shit. Not every feminist can be a sexy, friendly lass with a love of family- do you know how hard it is to do all of that?

Spot the bad feminist. Hint: the bad feminist is the one you don't want to shag.

Spot the bad feminist. Hint: the bad feminist is the one you don’t want to shag.

9. Never, ever, EVER, EVER type Masters of Sex into image search for pictures to accompany your article. DO NOT DO IT.
I think this one is fairly self-explanatory.

mastersofsexcast

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