Are You The One? Dear God I Hope Not!

As The Captain and Tenille once famously sang, “Love… love will keep us together.” Powerful words that have resonated throughout the ages from 1930s housewives waiting for their menfolk to return from war to struggling first year uni students who are giving the long-distant thing a go. They are words to live by. Unless that is if you’re a contestant on MTV’s romance-yeah-right-have-sex-in-Hawaii-and-bitch-about-it-all-day-long-get-me-someone-to-love-NOW dating show, Are You The One?

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The cast of Are You The One? Peace!

It’s the classic tale of fame-hungry sexually-frustrated post-teen hunks and “fabulous” women who travel to a desert island in Hawaii in order to find their love, whilst sweaty men with cameras over their arms capture the whole thing for our enjoyment. Only this time, MTV have gone all scientific! That’s right, readers, SCIENCE has matched these contestants up in pre-production and now it is their job to find out who is their perfect match in order for the twenty contestants to split one million dollars! The twist? They only have ten weeks to match up or they go home with nothing because apparently finding your soulmate and a ten-week paid vacation in the most beautiful part of the world just isn’t prize enough!

There are many contestants, with a vast range of beauty and cuntish behaviour! My personal favourites come in the form of Shanley and Chris T. Both beautiful, both ready to be rogered in the pool and both absolutely besotted with one another. They seem ideal mates. He enjoys a nice booty and doesn’t mind being screamed at hysterically when drunk and she likes muscles and enjoys screaming at him hysterically when she’s drunk. Overall, they are drunk-tastic together. There’s just one problem, when they enter the Truth Booth, it is announced that they are not a match.

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Shanley is not a happy bunny when Chris T. and Paige are declared perfect matches for one another.

Oh yeah, did I mention there was a Truth Booth?! That’s right! If the rest of the house think that two people are a match then they go into the Truth Booth and after some fancy lights that look like scanners go up and down their body, they  are told if they are a match or not. Sadly, it was the latter for Chris T. and Shanley. Although she is desperate to become Mrs T. there is no hope for them. You see, here in lies the problem with Are You The One? Contestants have to do some SERIOUS soul-searching and really ask themselves the question of whether love is better than money. Turns out, it is! As recently, Chris T. found his soulmate in the form of sexy blonde, Paige. She’s actually very lovely, gullible in the way she falls hook, line and sinker for real New Yorrrrrrrrker Chris S. who looks like an ungenerous lover and proves it after sweet talking her into bed and bragging about it to anyone bored enough to listen, but other than that she’s a real doll. And sadly, after Shanley goes to a rampage ’round the house slagging everyone off for selecting Chris and Paige for the Truth Booth treatment (even though it was an inevitability) before sobbing uncontrollably into his shoulder about how science is wrong and what they have is real, her lover must leave the house with his scientific counterpart to the honeymoon suite set up by show’s producers. Whether they like it not!

Although Paige has hopes that she and Chris T. might get to know each other a little better and see if there is a spark, her efforts fall on deaf ears:

‘I’ll take the couch,’ he mutters to her upon arrival at their swish hotel room.

‘Won’t be needing these,’ She sneers as she dusts rose petals off the bed aggressively.

It’s classic MTV. Everything you could possibly want from a “dating” show is accounted for: a presenter too old to be there, sexy romping sessions in a bubble bath, a skinny and camp brunette who is so girl-obsessed he’s GOT to be overcompensating for something and not to mention, it is tattoo porn!

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Call me crazy but I don’t think Chris and Paige are gonna make it…

Don’t get my wrong, if there was an award for Trashiest But Best Thing On Television, this show would be going home with it! It has changed the game in regards to Bad/Good television. You know like most people justify their poor viewing habits with the line, “It’s like a train wreck, you can’t look away!” With Are You The One? It’s a train wreck you wanna stare at all day long, laughing hysterically at the wreckage and uttering the words, “She’s such a bitch!” to the bikini-clad survivors! I’m rooting for no one and everyone in equal measure and loving every second!

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