If you met me, ‘Star Wars fan’ wouldn’t be the first thing that would come to mind. Madonna fan, yes! Shopping whore, possibly. But Star Wars fan, no. However, loud and proud, I am coming out as a Star Wars watcher and lover. You can imagine the squeals that burst from my lips when ITV began a Star Wars season on their channel (with adverts set to “Flashdance… What A Feeling!” what could be better?) which meant that every so-many days they would be playing the franchise on a loop. Huzzah! I thought. My time to visit that bloody galaxy far, far away has been very little these days so I was ready to indulge my addiction!
Four episodes in and I’m feeling good. Starbursts on go, family sized Coke almost past the label and I was quite content. That was until I got to the second and third episode. Unlike those before me, I watch the films in the order that Mr. Lucas intended (four to six, one to three. Also known as Best to Worst). The second (or fifth if you’re that way inclined) episode proves the most difficult for me to get my head around. It’s not the lackluster chemistry between Anakin and Padme, it’s not even the blue chick with the penis hair and the badass lightsaber skills. No, it’s the horrible inaccuracies. It began about half an hour in and Ani and Padme are having a saucy, sexually charged (cough cough) dinner together. In between lukewarm looks of desire across the table, Ani uses his Forcey telekineticy powers to make her pear float to him where he pursues in cutting a piece off and make it go back to her. She takes a bite… three seconds after the bite mark appears on the pear. Now, this might seem like nit-picking, I grant you, but I think it’s the little things that really tie a movie together. Not to mention, when Padme gets a nasty cut from a big ass cat, they entirety of her midriff magically gets ripped off as well. Scantily clad women in action films aren’t exactly rare but a little explanation wouldn’t go a miss.
But enough about the trivial stuff, let’s get right down to the BIG problems. I knew that Mr. Vader was Luke’s Darth daddy way before I ever saw The Empire Strikes Back but I still gasped in shock during that scene. However, having just finished watching Revenge of the Sith, the remaining Jedi council were quite adamant that Luke and Leia would never be found if they were separated and given away. Now, I know the Force is some powerful shit but considering Vader makes zero notions that he’s cottoned on to the fact that Luke’s his son until the second episode, I think it might be on the fritz. He should definitely have a man in considering Luke is named “The son of Anakin Skywalker” through most of the first one whilst living on Vader’s home turf. Honestly, the neglected father act he’s pulling would make even Jeremy Kyle blush.
Another issue I have (among the countless others in my life) is that in Return of the Jedi, Leia states quite arrogantly that she remembers her and Luke’s mother describing her as beautiful but sad or some shit. However, Revenge of the Sith soon squashed that little ideal after it shows Padme dying in childbirth. She survived a war with a crappy gun and an exposed chest and even took down a troop of droids in a very fashionable skirt and yet it is Anakin becoming Vader that finally killed her off. Honestly, he became ruler of the galaxy. Imagine the child support if she just held on. I guess the Force could have played some role in Leia’s remembrance, she is its granddaughter after all, that’s gotta give you at least a cheeky vision or two. And a great icebreaker at awkward intergalactic dinner parties.
Star Warriors who moonlight as avid blog-readers everywhere, if you have the answers to these unanswerable questions then waste no time in getting in touch. May the Force be with you always… unless it’s on the blink again, that is.