I’m no fool. I know the words ‘The X Factor‘ don’t just strike fear into the hearts of hipsters and BBC One executives, but the common man also. For ten years Britain has been sitting down in front of the television, pretending to be above it all and muttering the words, “I’m only watching it because nothing else is on.” whilst giving guilty eyes towards their boxsets of Homeland and Red Dwarf. We’ve celebrated with Leona Lewis, grieved for the loss of Sharon Osbourne’s paycheck and as a nation we cringed together through that performance of “Fight For This Love.” Yes, Britain has been on, sigh, an emotional rollercoaster through just hearing about this show alone but America, they have all this to look forward.
Simon “Now That’s What I Call A Popstar” Cowell jumped ship a couple of years ago and set sail for the U S of A in order to bring them the joy that we have shared for ten years. The first season didn’t exactly begin well after Cheryl “I’ve Got Goosebumps” Cole was sacked after two weeks with the charade host Nicole “Jamazeballs” Scherzinger stepping in, ahem, last minute to round off the panel. There was just one teeny tiny problem however. No one was watching the show. I mean, they watched for a little bit but then they switched off after Paula “I’m A Choreographer… I Guess” Abdul needed more close-ups and L.A. “Fear Me, I Created Justin Beiber” Reid’s finger pointing became so aggressive alcohol was needed to quell the anxiety. So, new action was needed for the second season and they decided to, and I am quoting Pitch Perfect here, remix this business and get some fresh faces on the panel. Simon made a big investment in contracting Britney “… Yeah, I Liked It…” Spears for a cool $15 million before selecting a more cheaper reliable judge, Demi “Disney changed me. IT CHANGED ME” Lovato — that was the last one I swear — who was the Vauxall Astra of the X Factor panel. Y’know, she got you from A to B. It seemed as if the music talent highway was clear and carefree but yet again that Tornado of Disappointment ripped through the concrete and the car was almost totalled. Viewers switched off and that $15 million was the biggest waste of green since the Taylor-Burton diamond, as soon as the cameras went live, Britney went neutral. Really neutral. At one point we feared she may have died, she was hardly moving. But I digress. As I said, the car was almost total as the sparring relationship between Demi and Simon kept a modest collection of viewers interested and a third season of the show was commissioned.
But changes were needed. Serious changes. Joan Rivers changes. So Simon called Britney’s people for a refund and let L.A. Reid go in order for him to continue his plan of world destruction but supplying Justin Beiber and Avril Lavigne with more albums. He pondered between Bon Jovi and Ne-Yo for replacements but ultimately decided that considering the show’s main audience consists of young girls between the ages of eighteen and… well nineteen a little more estrogen was needed. But who to pick? Who to pick? After locking Demi in for another season Cowell went into the X Factor time capsule and piked out the name Kelly Rowland. It’s been a few years since she sat between Tulisa and Gary Barlow and screamed, “I didn’t know you could do uptempo OWWW!” and it has been two years too long! The former Child of Destiny is sassy, sexy and madder than a box of frogs. Even panel needs a judge two pencils short of masterpiece. But nothing and no one can match up to the last judge standing: Paulina Rubio. Now I know Old El Paso Fajitas should steal the crown for the Most Mexican Thing On The Planet but they are nothing compared to this Latin beauty. We may be oblivious to her music here in GB but the Latin-American community eat her music up… with a dollop of salsa. Too much? I’ve only seen the promo but I can already envision a scene in the live shows involving a stage-storming situation involving a compromising position with host Mario Lopez that will not be appreciated before the watershed. No danger of that from our Mr. Barlow whose most thrilling daily occurrence is having a third Chocolate Hob Nob after a long day.
Whether my predictions are accurate or not, the fact of the matter is that for the first time in the history of the show three women dominate the panel and I couldn’t be more excited. Sad I know. Simon has always draped his arm over the back of his second in command lady and leered at her in a manner most distasteful for an English gentleman but there is no way he can take on three of the craziest women in the industry today and come out anything other than emasculated and down a couple hundred pegs… or two.